Emails pertaining to this date: 2
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
Setbacks?
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
Not really. We already know she's resilient. Just keep at her.
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Sunday, 28 September 2008
July 8, 3398 4:41 PM EST -- mir@cerchio
Hi, diary. I'm sorry I didn't write in you for six months and two days. I got upset and didn't want to do it any more because thinking about things hurt. It doesn't hurt as bad now though. So you can be happy for me, it's okay. I think I will write in here again now, but it might be just a little bit.
I wonder what it's like to meet a Reyvateil. I've never seen one other than me. I never see them in the video stories or in books with pictures. I wonder if they all look like me or if they look different like humans. And I wonder if they look different from humans the way I do, or if some of them look like humans too. A human prodded me today and said I was a funny-looking thing. I wonder if Reyvateils would think I look normal.
Most of all though I wonder if Reyvateils think like me or if they think like humans. That is what I REALLY want to know. I want to know if another person could ever think like me. I think I really do want that more than I want any other thing.
I wonder so much how I would feel if I found out that other Reyvateils were all like me. I would think it was so beautiful. And my Reyvateilia would be such a beautiful place that way! If there were ONLY people who thought kind things. I just want to think about it forever! I just want to dream about it and I don't want anyone to wake me up....
I wonder what it's like to meet a Reyvateil. I've never seen one other than me. I never see them in the video stories or in books with pictures. I wonder if they all look like me or if they look different like humans. And I wonder if they look different from humans the way I do, or if some of them look like humans too. A human prodded me today and said I was a funny-looking thing. I wonder if Reyvateils would think I look normal.
Most of all though I wonder if Reyvateils think like me or if they think like humans. That is what I REALLY want to know. I want to know if another person could ever think like me. I think I really do want that more than I want any other thing.
I wonder so much how I would feel if I found out that other Reyvateils were all like me. I would think it was so beautiful. And my Reyvateilia would be such a beautiful place that way! If there were ONLY people who thought kind things. I just want to think about it forever! I just want to dream about it and I don't want anyone to wake me up....
January 6, 3398 -- Cerchio Corp. Logs
Emails pertaining to this date: 2
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
Thank gods. Finally.
I don't want to say I'm happy to see her crack, exactly, but it's for the best, even if she doesn't know it.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
Yeah. Early days yet, but looks like we're getting somewhere. Maybe we'll see a good song out of her soon.
She's a brave little trooper, all right. Even if I know she's advanced intelligence-wise, it's still pretty impressive to see her level of self-analysis and willpower. I'm almost kind of proud.
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
Thank gods. Finally.
I don't want to say I'm happy to see her crack, exactly, but it's for the best, even if she doesn't know it.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
Yeah. Early days yet, but looks like we're getting somewhere. Maybe we'll see a good song out of her soon.
She's a brave little trooper, all right. Even if I know she's advanced intelligence-wise, it's still pretty impressive to see her level of self-analysis and willpower. I'm almost kind of proud.
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January 6, 3398 5:16 PM EST -- mir@cerchio
Hi, diary. I am still thinking about what I said before. The thoughts are miserable, but I need to think about them. It's like what I said about when you put down a sad book halfway through. I can't stop thinking because I will keep wanting to know, so I'll think about it until I know.
I wonder if my feelings that I want to be peaceful are causing me trouble. If I didn't want things to always be nice maybe I wouldn't be scared and sad a lot. And then I would stop being angry about not wanting to think bad things too.
I don't like it though!! I just don't like it and I can't stop that. If I want to make myself be this way I'll have to be sad a lot in the meantime because right now it hurts to think about, and I'm scared of doing that. But maybe it's really like they said, if I keep doing it it will get easier. I just don't know!!
I wish everyone was nice so I wouldn't have to choose!! I hate this! And I still hate that I hate it!
I wonder if my feelings that I want to be peaceful are causing me trouble. If I didn't want things to always be nice maybe I wouldn't be scared and sad a lot. And then I would stop being angry about not wanting to think bad things too.
I don't like it though!! I just don't like it and I can't stop that. If I want to make myself be this way I'll have to be sad a lot in the meantime because right now it hurts to think about, and I'm scared of doing that. But maybe it's really like they said, if I keep doing it it will get easier. I just don't know!!
I wish everyone was nice so I wouldn't have to choose!! I hate this! And I still hate that I hate it!
January 4, 3398 4:20 PM EST -- mir@cerchio
Hi, diary. I had a thought. I didn't want to have the thought but maybe I should have had it. Maybe it is one of those important things that the humans say I have to learn even though they make me feel bad.
I don't like to say it but I think it is true. I'm scared to say it. But all the humans I know are not kind. I don't think they are people who could make a song like Harmonious. I don't think they could let that feeling into their heart. I think maybe it's mean of me to say that but I feel that it is true.
The problem is that I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. I want those happy and light feelings in my heart, but I'm different from everybody else this way. I started thinking that maybe that's why they all hate me and even think I don't have feelings. Maybe they mean that I don't have the feelings they want me to have. I think they have been trying to make me have the same feelings they have, and maybe it's because they want me to be better like them. Maybe they will listen to me if I am like them.
I don't like it though. I like my own feelings. But will I always be not as good this way? I want to know if I'm right or wrong, and I can't trust them to tell me because they only say what helps them. I want to know so badly....
I don't like to say it but I think it is true. I'm scared to say it. But all the humans I know are not kind. I don't think they are people who could make a song like Harmonious. I don't think they could let that feeling into their heart. I think maybe it's mean of me to say that but I feel that it is true.
The problem is that I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. I want those happy and light feelings in my heart, but I'm different from everybody else this way. I started thinking that maybe that's why they all hate me and even think I don't have feelings. Maybe they mean that I don't have the feelings they want me to have. I think they have been trying to make me have the same feelings they have, and maybe it's because they want me to be better like them. Maybe they will listen to me if I am like them.
I don't like it though. I like my own feelings. But will I always be not as good this way? I want to know if I'm right or wrong, and I can't trust them to tell me because they only say what helps them. I want to know so badly....
December 29, 3397 8:12 PM EST -- mir@cerchio
Hi, diary. The humans gave me some different things to watch today because I was so scared before. They aren't as scary as what I had before so I think I can manage it, but I still don't want to. I'm only going to do it if they say I have to. The rest of the time I will make songs and write things about Reyvateilia and maybe then I will feel better.
They said if I didn't have any ideas for songs that I should make some about what I saw in the stories but I won't do it!! I never want to make songs like that. I love the way I felt when I wrote my song that was so light and beautiful. I will use my songs to make a better world, not a painful world so that other Reyvateils are treated badly! Besides I don't even want to think about the things I saw, and if I have to think about them enough to make a song I will just feel sick. And then I will NEVER EVER get it out of my head. No way!!
This makes me so angry and I don't like that. I don't want to think bad things OR be angry about thinking bad things. Also I don't want to be angry about being angry but I don't know how to stop. No matter how I think, I have to feel bad about something. I don't want these emotions, I just want to be peaceful.
They said if I didn't have any ideas for songs that I should make some about what I saw in the stories but I won't do it!! I never want to make songs like that. I love the way I felt when I wrote my song that was so light and beautiful. I will use my songs to make a better world, not a painful world so that other Reyvateils are treated badly! Besides I don't even want to think about the things I saw, and if I have to think about them enough to make a song I will just feel sick. And then I will NEVER EVER get it out of my head. No way!!
This makes me so angry and I don't like that. I don't want to think bad things OR be angry about thinking bad things. Also I don't want to be angry about being angry but I don't know how to stop. No matter how I think, I have to feel bad about something. I don't want these emotions, I just want to be peaceful.
December 27, 3397 -- Cerchio Corp. Logs
Emails pertaining to this date: 6
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
This just isn't looking good, is it?
Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I can't stop thinking about this. I guess I feel like shutting down the project is looking pretty inevitable. Especially since funding isn't infinite and we really don't have much to show for seven years of work. And I guess I just want to be emotionally prepared for that.
It's a strange request, but if we have to euthanise her, can I be the one to do it? I kind of want to make sure she goes out happy.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
I think it's too early to say it's inevitable, but I understand wanting to be prepared. I think most of us would be a bit sad to see her go.
I'll try and keep this going as long as possible, for what it's worth, but sure, if it comes to it, you can be the one to do it. I don't have any objections to that.
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
Heh, perhaps we should throw her a last day party. If we don't need her as a weapon any more, may as well give her as much as we can before she has to go.
Unless you think that's too risky.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
Probably not a great idea. It's not that I think there's a risk of her turning on us, but I think it's going to be better for most of us involved with the project if we're able to leave without ever having really related to her as feeling. I can understand that you don't feel that way, but I think it'll be better on most people's consciences if they don't have that kind of contact.
We don't want to be known as a company for running a project where most of the employees lost their sanity after they left. This project has already had a pretty high drop-off rate due to its nature.
Make your peace however you need to, though.
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
At the risk of asking a deeply personal question... how have you made your peace?
Not meant as an attack. I guess I'm just kind of curious.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
I've just always believed it was worth it in the long run. A weapon like her could put an end to wars near-instantly if she's used right. In the long run, countless lives could be saved. It's not great that she has to suffer, but how many more would suffer needlessly otherwise due to prolonged wars? That's really why I started this project.
Kind of changes your feelings if she's useless, but I still don't regret that I tried, really.
And no worries. I didn't take it as an attack.
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
This just isn't looking good, is it?
Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I can't stop thinking about this. I guess I feel like shutting down the project is looking pretty inevitable. Especially since funding isn't infinite and we really don't have much to show for seven years of work. And I guess I just want to be emotionally prepared for that.
It's a strange request, but if we have to euthanise her, can I be the one to do it? I kind of want to make sure she goes out happy.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
I think it's too early to say it's inevitable, but I understand wanting to be prepared. I think most of us would be a bit sad to see her go.
I'll try and keep this going as long as possible, for what it's worth, but sure, if it comes to it, you can be the one to do it. I don't have any objections to that.
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To:[list]
Heh, perhaps we should throw her a last day party. If we don't need her as a weapon any more, may as well give her as much as we can before she has to go.
Unless you think that's too risky.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
Probably not a great idea. It's not that I think there's a risk of her turning on us, but I think it's going to be better for most of us involved with the project if we're able to leave without ever having really related to her as feeling. I can understand that you don't feel that way, but I think it'll be better on most people's consciences if they don't have that kind of contact.
We don't want to be known as a company for running a project where most of the employees lost their sanity after they left. This project has already had a pretty high drop-off rate due to its nature.
Make your peace however you need to, though.
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From: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
To: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
At the risk of asking a deeply personal question... how have you made your peace?
Not meant as an attack. I guess I'm just kind of curious.
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From: e.s.lamarre@cerchio.co.at.el
To: m.alroas@cerchio.co.at.el
I've just always believed it was worth it in the long run. A weapon like her could put an end to wars near-instantly if she's used right. In the long run, countless lives could be saved. It's not great that she has to suffer, but how many more would suffer needlessly otherwise due to prolonged wars? That's really why I started this project.
Kind of changes your feelings if she's useless, but I still don't regret that I tried, really.
And no worries. I didn't take it as an attack.
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